The Damage of Dysfunction and the Hope of Healing

This one’s been on my heart and mind for many years.  I speak from first-hand experience.  Starting in childhood, this set the course for much of my life and my view of myself, my worth and even of God.  Maybe it’s familiar to you as well.  Healing can come, but it takes time.  The Enemy knows the triggers and will do his best to keep you in bondage.  That said, here we go…

I'm fascinated by old houses.  Their character and charm intrigue me and all of the unique details, many hand-wrought, are something rarely found in today's construction.  I used to poke my husband and say "wouldn't it be amazing to get an old house and restore it?!"  He, in turn, would cringe and start to twitch...to me it was a work of art, to him, just a lot of work.  What I failed to see was so often the houses would have hidden issues, damage to the foundation, rotting wood from years of neglect and lack of proper care.  The damage wasn't necessarily visible upon first glance, but as you dug deeper into the house, looked further into the foundation and 'bones', you would begin to see the damage and sometimes it was grievous and costly.  That damage didn't happen overnight, it developed over years through steadily unhealthy conditions.

We are often like those houses.  We may look fabulous on the outside, but inside, there may be damage from years of dealing with things that caused pain and grief, and things that left scars.

One such thing is enduring unhealthy passive-aggressive words and behaviors.  Passive aggression is a tactic used to manipulate others and belittle them into submission or into the desired actions or responses.  It can be a sign of emotional immaturity and the inability to effectively communicate needs, frustrations, or simple requests in a way that makes clear what is needed while respecting the other person.  It can also be an indicator of Narcissism, where the aggressor has little concept of the value of the other person beyond their ability to meet an immediate need or satisfy a desire. 

The ‘user’ finds much satisfaction in their wielding of power and control as well as fulfillment in making their ‘point’.  The victim is often shamed into submission or cornered into a contrite response, if able and allowed to respond at all.  The aggressor is likely known by their family as a difficult, unhealthy person…even toxic, but few dare to address the issue, lest they also become a target.  The controller can manipulate with a look of displeasure, a sigh, a ‘woe-is-me’ complaint that will trigger the victim into instant action so as not to risk reaping the wrath of the controller.  Additionally, the controller may place the blame for their own stress or anxiety on the victim, making them feel responsible and insinuating it is theirs to ‘fix’.  There is no thought to what the victim may need or want, because it’s always about the controller, their needs, wants, and agenda.  It is a carefully groomed and oft-used method to satisfy the controller.  The victim is expected to perform to the controller’s expectations…expectations that, for the most part, are not verbalized but must be ‘assumed’ or ‘understood’.  If the victim fails, they are viewed as an annoyance, a frustration, a liability, and a burden and the poor treatment intensifies.  The daily use of these tactics over years diminishes the victim into simply the ‘means to an end’ for the controller, whether they realize it or not. 

The bigger issue is that the passive-aggressive person often uses love and approval as weapons to manipulate others into the desired submission or action.  The passive-aggressive person is pleased when their target performs well and jumps to meet and satisfy the demands (note, I didn’t say ‘requests’) and kowtows to the ego and self-importance of the aggressor.  If someone is not doing what the aggressor wants, or if they did not perform as expected, the aggressor may opt for the silent treatment and/or withhold love and approval to punish that other person and thus groom them into the performance or submission desired.  The love/approval weapon means the victim has to earn their way back in to the approval and favor of the controller.    The desired outcome is the victim learns their lesson, is put in their place, and next time will be more likely to act faster, submit more easily, and protest less.  It’s important to note that this behavior does not nurture relationship, although the aggressor may mistake it as such.

The results of being on the receiving end of such treatment, over time, may be manifest in things like: poor self-image, inability to advocate for oneself, never feeling or believing they will ever be ‘enough’, questioning one’s purpose, and the list goes on.  The victim believes that their value is based on their performance, not on their identity as an image-bearer of God.  Life becomes ‘performance-based’ and a futile pursuit of approval that will likely never come.  Additionally, it creates an ‘inner dialogue’ that repeats the message of ‘incapable’ ‘not enough’ ‘unworthy’ ‘less-than’ that follows the victim throughout life, into other relationships, work experiences, always defining the individual in unhealthy and dishonest terms.

This kind of behavior toward and treatment of someone can deeply damage them to the point that they even question their value in the eyes of God.  Additionally, the pressure of performance-to-gain-approval can create an unrealistic understanding of how God views us and values us and of what a true relationship with Him looks like. The victim likely struggles with thoughts like these:

“How could anyone ever ‘perform’ to satisfy the Almighty God?”

“If the aggressor is rarely pleased, how could God ever be?” 

“If I’m only worthwhile when I meet the demands (and that’s not often)   then there’s no way I could ever be worthy of God’s love.” 

“If I do something wrong, how low will it be before I’ve earned my way 

  back into God’s favor?”

“If love is withheld when I mess up, then God must not love me
  very often, if ever.”

Here is the wonderful, beautiful thing… God’s love doesn’t depend on our performance…ever. He offers His love, forgiveness, and redemption to us as a gift (Ephesians 2:8-9).  There is no way we could ever ‘earn’ our way into God’s favor.  God loves us so much that He gave His only Son, Jesus, to pay the price for us, cover all the wrong we’ve ever done, and make us righteous and worthy.  We are so valuable to Him that He offered His only Son in our place.  And what do we have to do?  Simply believe.  Believe that Jesus died for our sin.  Believe that He rose again from the grave, conquering death and Hell.  Believe that He lives and intercedes for us and pleads on our behalf to the Father.  Believe.  (John 3:16)

Listen to what God says about you:

     You have value:  

               Colossians 3:12 “You are holy and dearly loved”

     God did the work on your behalf:

               Titus 3:4-7 “But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our 

               Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in 

               righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of 

               regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us 

               richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his 

               grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”

              

     God created you uniquely with purpose, with value and with intention:

               Psalm 139:13-16 “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me    

               together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and      

               wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very 

               well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in 

               secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my 

               unformed [body]; in your book were written, every one of them, the 

               days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

     God has a purpose for you:

               

               Ephesians 2:10  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus 

               for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk 

               in them."

     You are not condemned, hopeless, helpless, and unable to please God:

               Romans 8:1-2 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who 

               are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in 

               Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

     You need to shut down that ‘inner voice’ that tells you you’re a failure, 

     you’re less-than, and unworthy:

               1 John 3:19-20 “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and 

               how we set our hearts at rest in his presence; If our hearts condemn us, 

               we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows 

               everything.”

     Be assured, you are worthy of his everlasting, undying, ever-reaching, always 

     embracing, unfathomable love.  His love has NO limits and you can’t earn it 

     or lose it.  It’s always present and always sufficient.

               Ephesians 3:17-19 “And I pray that you, being rooted and established 

               in love, may have the power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, 

               to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and

               to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to 

               the measure of all the fullness of God.”

Contrary to what some of us may experience in this life, God’s family is not dysfunctional or toxic, and His love is not performance-based.  It is a holy, pure, and sacrificial love for all who believe. 

If we want to be a true testimony to others of their value in God’s eyes, we cannot treat others as a method and means to our goals, desires, and self-worship.  We must look at others as God does, with value, respect, and reverence.  Life is beautiful and precious.  Treat it as such.  We are all image-bearers of God.  Would we speak to God as we do to those around us?

And for those who have endured the abuse, the control, the manipulation and devaluation, you are valuable.  Do not let another individual dictate who and what you are.  God says you are precious.

The scars are real and the pain is deep.  The questioning of value and worth reoccur.  But God is faithful.  Only He can break the chains.  Will you let Him?

I encourage you, if you’ve endured this kind of treatment, seek counsel.  Establish boundaries.  Spend time today reading the Truth of how God sees you.  Be assured that He loves you and He created you with joy and purpose.  Understand that even though that other person may never change....you can experience life-changing healing and freedom in Christ.